YOU SPEND. JESUS SAVES.

THE RAPTURE IS ON SCHEDULE FOR SOMETIME BETWEEN 12:01AM AND MIDNIGHT TOMORROW AND THERE’S NOTHING JESUS HATES MORE THAN SEEING PEOPLE WEAR UNFASHIONABLE SHOES OR THOSE STIFF-AS-HELL SANDALS HE HAD TO DEAL WITH BACK IN THE DAY.

COUNTERKICKS DID A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “RAPTURE SHOES” AND IT TURNS OUT KEDS IS TOTALLY MAKING A KILLING OFF JESUS. THIS IN FACT MAY NOT BE TRUE. WE DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO RUN OFFICIAL NUMBERS WITH THE END TIMES UPON US BUT THERE’S A LOT OF KEDS AND PRO-KEDS RAPTURE BASED SHOES OUT THERE.

THE OFFICIAL KEDS.COM SITE BRINGS BACK FOUR SEARCH RESULTS FOR “RAPTURE”, ALL LISTING A CANVAS RAPTURE BOAT SHOE, CLEARLY TRYING TO SCORE POINTS WITH J.C. AND CAPITALIZE ON THE WHOLE NAUTICAL, WALK ON WATER THEME.

ON ZAZZLE.COM, WHERE YOU CAN BUY CUSTOM DESIGNED EVERYTHING, 18 KEDS RAPTURE-BASED SHOES ARE AVAILABLE WITH GRAPHIC PRINTS OF JESUS, FISH, ANGELS & DEMONS, AND THE VERY CANDID “IT’S COMING!” SNEAKER.

IF YOU PLAN ON PURCHASING ANY OF THESE SHOES, IT MAY BE A GOOD IDEA TO SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY ON OVERNIGHT SHIPPING.

JUST REMEMBER FRIENDS. AS EXPRESSED IN THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT: BLESSED ARE THE KEDS, FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.

PEACE BE WITH YOU.

*UPDATE: Disregard the caps lock. My pinky finger has been shaky all day and I really don’t have the time to go back and edit (busy weekend ahead). Namaste.

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